09 Apr 08
04.09.08 (6:24 pm) [edit]Today had a RefWorks workshop that was conducted by the library, it was on using this web-based software in managing and creating references for papers. Went with Baobei in the morning to library at about 1100 as she had arranged to study with a friend so i tagged along. On the way to school, I told her about Boss's holiday plan and intention, she was not very pleased about it, obviously it was because of the money thing, we're here to study and most of our money are used to pay fees and living expenses, where got money to holiday, I knew she would say something like that and I've thought of it also and have budgeted about $2000 to do this, it was my budget for a holiday with her in Jun also just that she said it was too expensive to do it. I know its not like $5 $20 for a movie, its $2000 we are talking about here and that could pay like a few months of rent... But a holiday is a holiday...
Then she got upset when I said in the end it will be me only, then she said that was not what she meant but she always gave me the "you want you go la I don't want" even if she want its like abit of reluctance here and here, and she say discuss with her and I did but its more like asking her permission, it does not sound like a discussion at all, well sometimes a discussion can be like that and I know. She said we could join them in Gold Coast, ya it might sound like a discussion and compromise, a give and take thing, but to me a holiday is a holiday join them in Gold Coast I might as well have my own holiday, or whatever, maybe she would want that also, just the 2 of us.
Alright, had the workshop and it was simple, don't see why it had to be 2hours where things can be taught and maybe 30mins I could have left that place, and my Baobei said it wasted her time.. I believe so too.. Sometimes it kind of make me confused, I do something without telling you you say why I don't do it with you, I do with you somehow in this case it did turn out a waste of time. Take the Go card instance, nvm. Then on our way back, she became upset again, when she was talking to me I talk about cars, then she said "I don't want you la", well I was just finishing my sentences, it was just something on my mind then a remark, I know you had alot readings to do, and I just finished 1 assignment and look like I had my deserved zzz and everything, not like I don't understand or I don't care.
The phrase "I don't want you la." I HATE this phrase, but seems like she like it alot =) I know she just want to say that I'm bad and... so what to say say don't want you loh, sometimes it just make me like a toy want come don't want walk behind, it sounds different if she said "I don't want to talk to you." this shows anger, but what does I don't want you sound? Sounds like I don't want you la so simple.. nothing much just don't want you liao ok loh... I hate this... I sometimes hear Brown talk to his GF on the net and its like well I wouldn't say that to my GF. joking or not, "why u so stupid, I hate you, f**k u... ok maybe not exactly but I just don't say certain things. esp I don't say I don't want you liao. I learnt this from others and previous experiences, never say something that you think it might hurt that person because once its said it cannot be taken back, its like a promise etc but breaking a promise is different. If I broke a promise ya I broke it and you will remember I broke it and cannot be trusted again, but If i say i don't want you, its just I don't want you what will u remember? I don't want you = ?? there is no room for interpretation right? like ppl say not happy break loh not happy divorce loh, what does that mean? simple wat the sentence speaks for itself, you don't have some1 saying "what you mean by that?" and that guy can actually give another meaning to his words...
I'm not angry nor am I pissed, I'm just saying what I feel and like she say we need to communicate so I'm doing it now =)
posted by: (reply)
post date: 04.09.08 (6:22 am)
I said it was too expensive, and you know that I don't want to waste that kind of money when it's not even my money at all. I'm sure you understand that, but it doesn't solve matters just by using your money, because those aren't YOUR money as well. I'm sure you understand the money part. What I was so angry about was that knowing that yonghao wanted to come during this period so that it will coincide with our holidays, and that I know you'd want to meet up with him as well, I didn't reject the whole idea, and instead suggested that we could join them when they went to Gold Coast because it's so much nearer and cheaper than going to Sydney and Melbourne. The didn't mind joining them for a couple of days at Gold Coast seriously. But you just had to doubt what I mean. Once I said that, the first thing that came to your mind was that I didn't mean what I was saying, and that in the end, I'd just ask you to go with them by yourself. If that was what you thought I would mean or say in the first place, why bother 'discussing' with me or asking me at all? So what if I had agreed to go for the whole trip? You'd still doubt me like that. Then what's the point? Wasn't a discussion meant to let both us know what each other thought and felt? But if you're going to doubt something I've said so simply with no other intentions, then I guess don't even bother to discuss with me regarding anything. Just think however you'd like to.
If you had thought that it didn't make sense to just join them in Gold Coast and not for the whole holiday, you could have said that. That would have been a discussion in which we could put forward what we both feel. But doubting what I said the very moment I said it is not a discussion.
I didn't say that it was your fault that the refworks class was a waste of time. I agreed to go when you asked so it was MY decision. I was just tired and stressed and worried about not having enough time to study for my 2 more exams coming up and during the class, felt that it was a waste of my time and that I could have went for the class after my exam, and have a good sleep for that 2 hours at home instead.
You know how it feels when I'm telling you about HOW I WAS FEELING. Then not only did you not respond to me, you told me how nice this car was and blah blah blah? If you were telling me how sad you were regarding certain thing, and I replied by saying, "Look! The grass is so green!" How would you feel? Would you care about how green the grass is when you're telling me how sad you are? I already felt like crying when I was talking to you, but what did you do?
You know what 'I don't want you' means? It means that sometimes I really don't know why I'm with you except for the fact that I love you too much. How many times have you heard me say that? I know it's a very bad habit of mine. But why am I still here in Australia with you now? You should know the answer very well. You know why you always make me cry? because you disappoint me. And you know why? Because actions really speak louder than words.
And the two incidents today just goes to show how much you really care and what you think of me.